Resolving a Spiritual Wound: A Practitioner's Perspective on Releasing Shame

Isn't it curious that we have an emotion, a feeling that exists only in community. For without community there could be no shame. Shame is the feeling that comes from doing something outside of the agreements of community. If there were no community, how would we know to be ashamed? Being different than the tribe is the root of shame. Being witnessed stepping out of bounds. Coloring outside of the lines. Shame is the emotion of failing to fit in, it is the original emotion of the other. It is the felt sense of being othered.

With that said, shame can only be felt by the ashamed. Although our community can attempt to shame us and pass judgement, only the individual can accept the shame. It is the opposite emotion to pride and we are our own captor in shame.

Why do we feel shame? What is it's purpose? In modern community shame functions to keep unity, to enforce agreements, to limit outliers. In beloved community shame would be met with love and compassion. The variance witnessed and forgiven. Space would be offered to allow the individual to explore themselves and decide to come back into uniform community or to demonstrate the value of their otherness.

In our current world outliers are met with ridicule, contempt and/or exclusion. We therefore have immense pressure to stay in line. Fortunately the diversity of humanity is immutable!

Can you think of the first time you felt ashamed? Did you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar? Did you embarrass your parents in public? Did you miss that important shot, letting your teammates down? Fail a test? Break an object?

When we look at our personal origin story of our own shame, we may notice that shame often arises from mistake. Here lies they key to deeper understanding. Accidents happen, mistakes are often made. Our reaction to these instances will determine if shame prevails. Can we be with our mistake? Can we sit with it? Breathe it in? Allow it to be and honor it? When we do this, we learn from the mistake. We can then value our mistakes. Grow from mistakes. This is the freedom from shame for when something becomes valuable we are rarely ashamed of it.

It is not only from mistake that shame arises in our society. Often, our difference, our variance from society will come from things beyond our control. We may have a different appearance. A different sexual expression. We may naturally think in different ways. Our speech may not match those around us. Our ability may vary. In life, these natural varieties can be judged by society as "good" it "bad". The bad invoke shame and the good invoke pride. Who makes this judgement?

The things in our life to which we assign shameful status and allow ourselves to be ashamed are often fiercely attempted to be hidden. The hiding causes them to fester and the wounds weep. These are spiritual wounds that come directly from our physical world and they require attention. They grow powerful in the dark and shrivel in the light. Skeletons in the closet. We all have them, yet we fear the exposure. The bravery that it takes to bring our shameful parts into the light is not insignificant but the joy and lightness that we feel as we empty the closet rewards our efforts. 

Again, shame is a function of the community. It is of value only to the community, and at the expense of the individual. Shame has no value to the individual. Shame withers us. It restrains us with heavy shackles. The longer we pretend they aren't there, the heavier they become.

To begin to break free of our prison of shame, we must speak of our shame and of our shameful parts. First to ourselves. Then gently to others we trust. And then to our community and the world. Be exposed! To those of us who may fear what could come of being seen in this way, we must understand that carrying the baggage of shame is far more damaging.

As shame is created in community, so must shame be resolved in community. This is the way to repair our spiritual wound surrounding shame. This is the path to releasing our shame. We can not change the past but we can forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make, and we can build communities that love us despite our mistakes. We can also learn to love the parts of us that are different and unique, building communities that love us because of our differences.